I want to get a boob job after I die so that at my open casket funeral when everyone’s looking at my beautiful body they’ll all be like did the mortician…? no….
You’ve heard of “i didn’t say it was good, i said i liked it,” get ready for “i said it had some technical problems & didn’t fully deliver on its themes, not that i didn’t like it”
i love how weird kids are. they make up the most bizarre stuff when left to their own devices and it’s never what an adult would naively predict a kid would do in their imaginative play
my friend’s 5 year old recently got a toy veterinary medicine set - it’s super cool, like one of those mini play kitchens a lot of kids have, but it’s set up to pretend to be a vet (it’s this thing) - it has stuffed animals and things to weigh them, give them medicine, take x-rays, write on their charts, etc.
so this kid, who is five and to my knowledge has no experience in the administrative bureaucracy of modern healthcare, puts a stuffed pig named Piggy on the exam table. she pretends to draw blood from Piggy using a fake syringe, and the blood goes into a toy test tube vial that she calls “the resulter”
i’m playing with her, right, so i’m like, awesome, what are the results of Piggy’s blood test? and she says “we have to send it to the scientists.” so we send the vial to the scientists (put it in her bedroom) and when we get back to the vet playset i’m like awesome what did the scientists say? and she says they have not gotten back to us yet
so she rolls her eyes, exasperated, and says we have to call the scientists. she pretends to call them. apparently, they tell her that Piggy’s blood test is “at the bottom of the list” and “we have to WAIT.” she frowns. we wait a bit longer and call them back. they tell us it will be a while! she says we should go ask the scientists in person so we go back to her bedroom and she inquires at this imaginary lab, at which point the scientists yell at her and tell her now they will make us wait even longer!
keep in mind she is 100% directing this play. she is making all this up. she is fully in control of this game, and she has decided that what we are going to pretend is that we are dealing with this exhausting nonsense, not actually treating Piggy.
finally the blood tests come back. they are inconclusive. the scientists do not know what is wrong with Piggy. the little girl walks back to the stuffed pig on the exam table, sighs deeply, and says in a very serious voice “we can never help you.”
i’m obsessed with this kid. when given complete control over a make believe scenario, instead of becoming the heroic rescuer administering effective cures, she is instead a beleaguered vet making multiple calls to an overworked lab only to be left unable to help her patient.
one time in 2007 i crashed the entire club penguin website. it was down for 2 days. i was banned for life.
many of you have asked, and so i shall give:
in 2007, my older brother gave me a small piece of information that would soon result in the shutdown of Club Penguin for a few days. he taught me a glitch in the club penguin system that, when sitting in the coffee shop, would make your penguin sit on the ceiling of the coffee shop instead.
and with this piece of information, i took off. i spent hours going to every server over and over, saying the same message: everyone meet in the coffee shop tomorrow at 7 pm in the snowball server. i did this in every single server, in every location i could find.
then, finally, 7 pm the next day arrived. snowball had a population rating of 5. penguins poured into the coffee shop, all awaiting my instructions. i then gave the next message, that of the glitch. i told everyone to wait exactly 3 minutes, then perform the glitch. they did. every penguin in the coffee shop was suddenly on the ceiling, and either the club penguin coding or the club penguin offices had no idea what to do, and no way to take us down. for a small glimpse of time, we ruled victorious – nothing and no one could stop us.
every great kingdom awaits its downfall, however. eventually, the website crashed. no one could go on the website for 2 days after that. my penguin was banned for life.
If you’ve got a friend that you know can’t remember shit, and you feel like it’d be rude to remind them about something that’s coming up beforehand just in case they did remember something they signed up for and now you feel bad for implying that you don’t trust their memory, and you know that there’s a 90% chance that they won’t remember the thing unless you remind them, here’s a tip from someone with a Can’t Remember Shit Disease:
Instead of simply reminding them about the event, just ask them about a specific detail involved in it instead. If you know that The Thing is on next week’s friday, and the last moment you need confirmation whether they’re coming or not is this thursday, instead of texting
“Hey you remember we have the thing on next week’s friday, right?”
you can text some specific question - regardless of whether the info itself is important to you or not - that clarifies when the event is, like
“Hey are you going to be driving to the thing next week’s friday, or is someone giving you a ride? We’ll need to plan parking beforehand.”
Because in case they did remember the thing, they can just answer you for the question you asked. And if they didn’t remember and go “OH SHIT IT’S NEXT WEEK I COMPLETELY FORGOT”, you still gave them the reminder they needed just the same.
I don’t personally get insulted when people gently remind me that they know that I can’t remember shit, and most self-aware memory problem people don’t either, but if you’re worried that it would feel rude to remind people about things you’re worried they might’ve forgotten, this is a good way to circumvent that.
Steve Harvey is the only host of anything that I can appreciate
This feels like a fucking comedy skit, like Steve Harvey has the pacing and comedic timing amazing
[ Video Transcript :
Host : Well, your name is Obu?
Obu : Yes sir!
Host : And your last name is Obu?
Obu : Yes sir
(Audience laughter)
Host : Obu Obu
Woman, off screen : You should ask him what his middle name is
Obu : Steve not ready for that (2x) (incoherent audience laughter)
Host : You don’t know how ready I am! (Audience laughs) As a matter of fact, we not doing a damn thing until we find out!(More laughter) What is your middle name, Obu?
Obu : It’s Obu. (Louder audience laugh)
Host : Obu Obu Obu
Obu : Yes sir! ( Audience laugh) Gotta show some ID?
Host : (softer) now you gotta show them id. You got it on you?
Obu : So the process I go through, go on check that out!
Host : I’ll be damn. (More audience laughter and clapping) Your– who, who named you, Obu obu obu?
Obu : My father.
Host : Father still livin’ ?
Obu, pointing off screen : Yes, sir, he’s right up there. (audience claps) Yeeaaa my pops yeeeaaaaaa
(Host walks towards the camera and camera flips back n forth to reveal Obu’s dad, followed by more audience laughing n clapping)
Host : Yeeaaa yeaa that’s who I’m lookin for! (laughter) What’s your name, sir?
ALT
